I’m More Acquainted With Grief Than I’d Wish To Be
One of the most challenging parts of ministry, for me at least, is to go from either an occasion of rejoicing to weep or vice versa. One day I went from the hospital where a woman lay actively dying to a ribbon-cutting for an ultrasound machine at a non-profit that promotes life. It was somewhat ironic to go from an atmosphere of death to one of life. One was filled with sorrow and the other with joy. While at the hospital, I strove to be compassionate and reverent while at the other, I smiled and laughed. I have had such occasions recently, but it’s harder to smile.
Friday, I attended the funeral of a dear loved one whose depression was so overwhelming that he ended his life. A good, kind Christian man whom I love and love his family as well. That was tragic. Sad. Heartbreaking. Saturday I went to visit a terminal teenager who’s exhausted all medical options to no avail. I hurt for her, her family, and for all whose faith may be shaken by what she’s gone through. We have prayed and prayed and prayed. We still feel that God is capable of performing a miracle in her interest on this earth, but He may will that she be in His presence, which will bring us grief and sorrow.
I find that I weep with many who weep, metaphorically. What I most hate is that I have become so accustomed to such environments of sorry that I no longer cry. I haven’t really cried in the longest of times. I certainly still feel for those who sorrow and suffer, but I’ve grown so used to being the strong one for everyone else that I sometimes wonder who I am. How can I go from a moment of sorrow to rejoice? It’s like I flip a switch. However, I do feel that this takes a toll on me. I am rather tired often lately. I can’t get enough sleep. My energy is low. All I want to sometimes do is sit and veg.
This is my lot and portion in life. God has called me into His service to minister because He can sustain me, and He does. It almost seems unhuman to be able to do this work, and sometimes I tire of it, but as long as He uses me, I will serve Him and others to the best of my ability. I will say, though, that heaven seems sweeter each day.